The Retainer Tales - Volume I

So life with a retainer is no biggie at all. I never forget to pop it in and I always (well, almost always) remember to brush it at night. I'm not scatterbrained (or so I like to think) so casual problems are avoided.

BUT - I have some sad tales to tell of my retainer.

First, a prelude. I have been so one-minded about leaving my retainer on my plate and throwing it out that I think of nothing else. So I avoid common retainer problems but the consequence is that I have more....strange problems.

Problem No.1. One fine morning after lunch some core members and I (core is a group of five or six Johnnies that share all the same classes) decided to have some fun and study Greek. We meander over to the mailroom and and while they check their mail I run to the bathroom. On the way, I play with my retainer - I'm moving it around, and all of a sudden, pop it out of my mouth and onto my tongue! Luckily it didn't fall on the floor. I am delighted! I try again, and it works! Fantastic. I nip into a stall and lift the lid, and therein lay my mistake. For while I am standing above the toilet I pop the retainer out again.

Yes, you guessed it. It popped right out, no problem, but failed to stop on my tongue. It sailed right out of my mouth and landed in the toilet with a perky plunk.

Ms. Robertson told me she heard a wail of dismay emanating from the bathroom.

Alas, what could I do? I had no choice but to reach down into the foamy yellow water, pull out my retainer sinking happily to the bottom of the S-bend, and wash it as best I could.

I told this story in the hopes of getting sympathy from my core. Did they sympathize? Heck no. They laughed till they cried. Phillistines.

Alas, for this is but the beginning. There are still other sad stories concerning my retainer, whom I have named Croesus.